2008 Declared a “Total Shit-storm”
14 05 2008FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE May 14, 2008
2008 Declared a “Total Shit-storm”
After a prolonged series of misfortunes, Matt Staggs, a recognized expert on the arbitrary cruelty of the universe, has officially declared 2008 as a “total shit-storm.”
Shit-storms are year-long events, and typically involve any of the following: repeated mechanical breakdowns of items necessary to function in modern society, problems with chronic medical conditions that insurance will not cover, job loss, deaths of friends, pets or family members, bills or taxes just beyond what income allows you to pay and the appearance of otherwise unclassifiable clusterfucks, FUBARs and completely ridiculous problems that should never, ever happen to anyone.
Shit-storms are recognizable for the sheer frequency of these events, differentiating them from a simple run of bad luck. People living during any year recognized as a Shit-storm should take the following precautions:
- Perfect the art of eye-rolling and grimacing angrily;
- Drink to protect your fragile psyche;
- Lash out at anyone who seems happier than you
Rumor has it that 2008’s Shit-status was precipitated by the re-election of George W. Bush in 2004. While there has been no confirmation from Staggs, he classifies this as “highly fucking likely.”
“Gasoline and food costs so much right now that even the best year can quickly escalate into a total Shit-storm,” said Staggs. “I’m checking with Iraqi colleagues for independent confirmation of the Bush/Shit-storm hypothesis, but I’m betting that they’ll agree there’s a connection, as soon as they crawl out from under all of the rubble.”
Government agencies like the United States Federal Emergency Management Agency and the global United Nations have yet to commit to any cohesive plan to aid Shit-storm victims, and Staggs recommends that until aid is available affected individuals should seek shelter under stalled SUVs and foreclosed McMansions around the United States.
1994 was my last true shitstorm, although 2002 was precariously close, call it a poopflurry. but since Shelf Monkey owes its life to the events of 2002, I can’t claim it as a true shitstorm.
If there’s anything that can get you through a shitstorm (also known as AFOG or “Another F*@&ing Opportunity for Growth”), it’s a good sense of humor. I think you’ll be just fine, Matt!
Independent research firms have confirmed 2008’s shitstorm is the result of a recurring environmental phenomenon known as “el poopo.” It is feared that due to the 8-year Bush administration’s stance on the global el poopo condition that the shitstorm may never end. CNN recommends stockpiling toilet paper and bananas.
Well, that confirms it. Although I’ve recently seen an uptick in the frequency of Shit Storm years, just like el Nino and la Nina years. On the plus side it’s lead me to the study of Astronomy to find out when planets go into retrograde motion because something must be causing it and Astrology seems to be offering answers. Maybe that answer is just, “The world is FUBAR, get used to it.”
Love it.