Saying goodbye to a pet
I had to put my oldest cat, Booka, to sleep today. I knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it any easier to do. She was 16 years old, a beautiful calico with whom I had practically grown from a kid to a man. She’s been with us from move to move, place to place.
She had developed a tumor in her throat, and at her advanced age, we knew that surgery wasn’t going to be an option. We opted to keep her as long as she was happy and comfortable. She stopped eating dry food a while back, but when we bought her wet food her appetite returned with vigor. Recently, though, she started having trouble digesting her food. Then she couldn’t keep it down at all and was having accidents at the litter box. This weekend she started hiding away from us and not moving very much. She had a glassy, listless expression. We knew – my wife and I – that it was time. My wife works retail, so she had to go to work. There was no one to cover for her. She had no choice. She said goodbye to Booka, knowing it was to be their last moment together, and then she had to leave.
I had to go to take her to the emergency vet. I didn’t want it this way. I would have preferred for her to die peacefully at home, but I knew that this was selfish. I found the carrier and after fitting her inside I made the long drive downtown to the emergency clinic. I couldn’t really think about what I was doing. It was too hard. I had to try to shut down my emotions as much as I could. Otherwise, I didn’t know if I could go through with what I had to do. Booka was quiet and calm on the drive. I think she was ready to go. I really do.
I spoke with the vet on duty and explained the situation. He, too, felt that it was the right decision. They asked if I wanted to be there when they injected her, and I just couldn’t do it. I feel really guilty about this, but I wasn’t strong en0ugh. I said goodbye to her in the best way that I could and watched them carry her back. I would love to tell you that I was with her when it happened. I wasn’t strong enough.
They say that it is a very quick and painless procedure: an overdose of anesthesia that renders the animal instantly unconscious. The heart stops in a matter of seconds. Later, they told me that she went very quickly; quietly. I signed some papers for her cremation. I was still trying not to think too much.
When they handed me the carrier I had to keep telling myself that this was for the best, and that if I was terminally ill and was suffering I would want a painless, dignified death as well. It didn’t make things any easier as I walked out to my car with the now-empty carrier.
After arriving home, I made a memorial donation to the ASPCA in her name. I picked up her old food bowl and put it in the dishwasher, and then spent the morning looking at old pictures of her, grieving. It still doesn’t feel real.
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I’ve locked comments on this post. I’d be happy to hear from my friends directly, though. You already know how to reach me. If you’d like, make a donation to the ASPCA in Booka’s name. She was a stray herself, and through the ASPCA we can help other cats and dogs in need of homes.
